remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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