Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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