Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
