My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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