your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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