obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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