Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
