They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
