She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
