I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
