no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
