my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
