Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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