The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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