Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
