hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
