doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
