Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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