I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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