You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
