I would go down on you faster than GM stock
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
