a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
