dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
