If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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