so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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