i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
