birth control should be required to get into college
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
ttyl tear gas
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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