Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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