I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
