no one should ever give us hovercrafts
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
