wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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