Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
