He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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