o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
