She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
