and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
