Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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