i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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