Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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