I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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