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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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