I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
