quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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