I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I don't deserve a penis
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
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