Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
