I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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