Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
