did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
