I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Even my vagina gasped.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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