Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
